Saturday, October 31, 2009

On this day in 1967, Vanilla Ice was born… If you’re over 30, that’s a one-hit rapper. If you’re under 30, it’s an Italian dessert.

It’s Halloween, when scary characters come to your door… Much like election time.

Friday, October 30, 2009

On this day in 1938, Orson Welles’ radio broadcast of The War of The Worlds caused panic in the US. It was just a dramatic production… The really scary thing is, Howard Stern is serious.

On this day in 1965, Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones was jailed for drug offenses… Amazingly, Keith Richards wasn’t!

On this day in 1988, Sun Myung Moon, head of the Unification Church, conducted the marriage of 6,516 couples in a Seoul factory… To put that in perspective, that’s more marriages than Liz Taylor and Zsa Zsa Gabor were involved in combined.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

On this day in 1936, singer/musician Charlie Daniels was born. His big hit was The Devil Went Down To Georgia, a song about the devil playing fiddle… Although the devil’s probably more likely to play accordion.

On this day in 1955, Bill Gates was born… Let’s everybody email him the dancing baby, just for old time’s sake.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

On this day in 1995, Paula Abdul married Brad Beckerman. She never looked more beautiful than in her wedding gown… Although Brad probably thought her Laker’s cheerleader outfit was a close second.

On this day in 1901, Anna Taylor became the 1st woman to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel… They say when she was picked up across the Canada/US border, customs officials asked to see the receipt for the barrel.

Friday, October 23, 2009

On this day in 1844, French-Canadian rebel Louis Riel was born. He was so rowdy, he was hung for treason… Today, he probably would have been drafted into the NHL.

On this day in 1925, Johnny Carson was born and his mother started the trend of “staying up late with Johnny”… Only in her case, she was breastfeeding.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

On this day in 1987, a hunter discovered an unmanned plane in Star Lake, NY. Its pilot had crank-started the propeller 65 miles away, and it took off without him… The question is, who got the frequent flier points?

On this day in 1942, Annette Funicello was born. She was a popular star with sex appeal in the 60s… For those who don’t remember her, just imagine a Paris Hilton with an I.Q. Good luck, by the way.

Monday, October 19, 2009

On this day in 1963, The Beatles recorded I Want To Hold Your HandIt was ironic when Michael Jackson bought this song with the Beatles publishing catalogue, because he was always grabbing something else.

On this day in 1945, actor John Lithgow was born. He starred in Third Rock From The Sun, an off-the-wall sitcom about 4 aliens living in America… And not 1 of them worked in a 7-11!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

On this day in 1887, Russia sold Alaska to the US for $7.2 million… Today, for $7.2 million, you couldn’t even sign Jim Carrey to a movie.

On this day in 1919, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau was born. He’s perhaps most remembered for his efforts to bring home the Canadian constitution… And Barbra Streisand.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

On this day in 1989, a massive earthquake struck San Francisco. It was actually applauded by fans at a baseball game… Another disaster in a ballpark was the 1899 Cleveland Spiders’ season with 20 wins and 134 losses for a percentage of .130.

On this day in 1938, Evel Knievel was born… They say he stood out from other kids when he took his tricycle on the slide.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

On this day in 1959, Marie Osmond was born… They say her home life was more normal after she became prettier than Donny.

On this day in 1792, the cornerstone for the Whitehouse was laid… Apparently the second Bush administration didn’t redecorate much, aside from the mechanical bull in the Rose Garden.

Top Ten Signs That You May Not Be A Great Cook

1) Your meatloaf falls on the floor and the dog puts it back on the table… With his paws.

2) Your roommate waits till the fridge is full of your leftovers, then advertises it on eBay “As is.”

3) Your butcher quietly tells you that there’s a “waiting period” for you to buy meat.

4) You notice someone’s written corresponding “antidotes” on the backs of your recipe cards.

5) When the dog smells your cooking, he begs… To go out.

6) A foreign exchange student tastes your cuisine, then asks about “Meals On Wheels.”

7) When you ask what you should bring to a potluck meal, you’re told “an appetite.”

8) Dinner guests arrive with their own ketchup.

9) Your stew that sticks to the plates is “dishwasher-safe.”

10) TV executives approach you about your own show called “Murder, She Cooked.”

Top Ten Signs You Probably Don’t Need To Diet

1 You tried bungee jumping, but the cord didn’t stretch.

2 You carry all your loose change at the mall to make sure you set off automatic doors.

3 You go to the zoo, and animals try to feed you.

4 You’ve burped after licking a stamp.

5 Before you order a full portion at a restaurant, there’s a drumroll.

6 Fast food restaurant employees ask “Would you like fries with that? – I won’t charge you! Come on, what do you say?”

7 The last Halloween you went trick-or-treating, someone insisted on giving you lasagna.

8 When you ask what to bring to a company picnic, you’re told “an appetite.”

9 Employees in bulk food stores encourage you to snack.

10 Clowns are afraid to hand you helium balloons.

Monday, October 12, 2009

On this day in 1492, Columbus landed in America and believed until the day he died that he’d found a western sea route from Europe to Asia… That’s as sad as the ad spokesman who believes his little chlorine puck actually lasts for 2,000 flushes.

On this day in 1950, actress Susan Anton was born… Between her height and shapely figure, they say many actors who worked with her found it difficult to look her in the eye.

Friday, October 9, 2009

On this day in 1973, Elvis divorced Priscilla… The official announcement was “Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the marriage.”

On this day in 1903, 11 inches of rain fell on New York City in 24 hours… Tabloids probably referred to it as The Big Applesauce.

The Rolling Stones And Toronto

On October 24, 1978 Keith Richards entered a Toronto courtroom to face charges for heroin possession, facing a possible seven year prison sentence. The judge presiding over the case recognized that with his rock star income he wasn’t likely to steal to support the habit, and that his attempts to remove himself from the drug culture had made him an example for others.

Richards was then put on probation for a year and ordered to continue psychiatric treatment. As another part of Richard’s sentence, he’d have to give a benefit concert in the Toronto area for young people at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind. Keith was quite happy with this ruling and his fans were ecstatic. He performed two concerts for the CNIB at the Oshawa Civic Auditorium, which is just west of Toronto.

Some would say that the bust was retaliation, considering that in 1977 Prime Minister Trudeau’s wife Margaret attended a Stones concert in Toronto on her sixth anniversary and was seen partying with the band after hours. Reportedly to avoid questions from the press, Maggie flew to New York which only added more speculation as Mick Jagger was also on his way to the Big Apple. Both Jagger and the Trudeaus claimed no wrongdoing.

Since their colourful association with Canada’s First Lady, the Stones have continued to grace Toronto with their presence as they live there during tour rehearsals. Before opening their 2005 tour in Boston’s Fenway Park, Mick and the boys performed an eighty minute set for 1,100 fans at the Phoenix Concert Theatre on Toronto’s Sherbourne Street. In 2002, they sprung a surprise appearance in the city’s Palais Royale, a thirties’ era dancehall overlooking Lake Ontario that once showcased the likes of Duke Ellington and Count Basie.

When the city of Toronto’s economy was threatened in 2003 by the SARS outbreak, tourism and film production suffered greatly as city officials attempted to ease the concerns for public safety. The Rolling Stones suggested an event which would become known as Molson Canadian Rocks for Toronto. The Stones headlined a concert in Downsview Park to an audience reportedly in excess of 450,000, enlisting the talents of AC/DC, The Guess Who and Toronto’s own supergroup Rush. An interesting piece of trivia from the concert is that while Justin Timberlake’s set was not well received by some of the rockers in the crowd, Timberlake had the satisfaction of being Mick’s guest later in the show, joining him for a performance of “Miss You.” Plastic water bottles were thrown at Timberlake, and the commercially released concert DVD clearly shows Keith Richards reprimanding fans who continued to show their displeasure with Timberlake.

Rock’n’roll fans in Toronto may still get their Stones fix when the band is not in town. There’s a Rolling Stones theme bar on the city’s trendy Queen Street West called Stones Place. Jerry Stone has honoured the band by decorating his establishment with guitars, gold records and posters from every era of the band’s existence. Prior to opening Stones Place, Jerry represented Ronnie Wood, promoting his paintings and drawings.

The world’s greatest rock’n’roll band has made Toronto their second home, and the citizens of “Toronto the Good” will continue to look forward to their future visits.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

On this day in 1964, Beatles drummer Ringo Starr passed his driving test… It would have been bigger news had Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards passed a drug test.

On this day in 1871, the great fire of Chicago started, supposedly when Mrs. O’Leary’s cow upset a lantern… Locals rushed to the scene with water buckets… And just in case, steak sauce.

Dates: The Final Frontier…

As humans, we are the only species to subject ourselves to the phenomenon of “dating.” The closest animal behaviour to this is probably when lemmings plunge themselves over a cliff.

Let’s consider that a man asks a lady out.

Many dates involve restaurants, and the owners of fine dining establishments are quite happy to play along. That’s why the lady’s menu doesn’t show prices. It can be awkward ordering a pricey entrĂ©e when the gentleman’s assumed to be paying. The man’s menu does show the prices so if the lady orders surf’n’turf, he’s aware of his financial investment in the evening. By the way it’s tacky to watch the lady order catch of the day at market price, then hand the menu to the waiter saying “In that case I’ll have the $12.95 spaghetti.”

On the other hand, some women don’t eat in front of dates the way they do at home. The same lady who can wolf down a can of ravioli in three spoonfuls standing over her kitchen sink may daintily cut walnut halves into quarters while eating a Waldorf salad in front of her suitor. With some food there’s also the possibility of providing an unflattering visual. If a gal’s not coordinated, she probably won’t treat her gentleman to the vision of her twirling spaghetti onto a fork only to have it unravel at her lips and be forced to suck it into her mouth like a scene from Lady And The Tramp. She could break down and cut the pasta with her knife; that way only the wait staff would think she was a loser.

Ladies typically have no trouble knowing which cutlery to use. The most important tip is to use the shiniest knife to check teeth for reflection of food particles; the truly savvy ladies will wait till their date has left the table before doing this.

Selecting wine is a chance for the gentleman to appear worldly. The waiter will present the cork for inspection and decant a small amount for him to sample. It’s best to swirl the wine briefly, sip and then look thoughtfully at the ceiling before accepting it. All most men really need to know about wine on a date is that in small amounts it can be an aphrodisiac and in large amounts it’s birth control from passing out.

The last course is often a “special coffee” prepared at the couple’s table. It’s usually a contradiction of alcohol and caffeine with sugar thrown in for added energy. A goblet is dipped in lemon juice, then sugar and turned over open flame, causing the sugar to caramelize. It’s very sensual if you’re not distracted by the realization that hairspray is extremely flammable. Liquor is added, lit and swirled to heat the glass. Fresh coffee is then added, leaving room for a generous portion of whipped cream and powdered chocolate. This is a very appetizing process as the couple ponders further encounters, possibly that very evening after they leave the restaurant. Theoretically the liquor loosens inhibitions and the coffee maintains awareness and resists the booze. Basically the beverage makes the next step of the evening even more difficult.

If the date was a disaster, the correct way to cut losses is to declare sleepiness immediately after leaving the restaurant and during the ride home if it was a carpooling date. When thanking the other person for a lovely time, remember nobody’s under oath. After parting for the evening, chock it up to experience - And start choosing a distant city to refer to when you send your date the “change of address” notice in the morning.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

On this day in 1989, Bette Davis passed away. Singer Kim Carnes had a smash hit with Bette Davis EyesSo far there are no plans for a song about Dolly Parton.

On this day in 1889, Thomas Edison showed his 1st motion picture… The great thing was there was no chance of someone behind you giving away the ending.

Monday, October 5, 2009

On this day in 1962, The Beatles released their 1st record Love Me Do Not to be confused with a rumoured forthcoming release by Britney Spears Love Me – Duh!

On this day in 1984, Sally Ride took part in the 13th space shuttle mission… It was remarkable that a lady traveled that long with only carryon luggage.

A Thinking Man’s History of The Bikini

This is a sensitive topic because some ladies will already perceive an oxymoron in the title. But surely we can take an unbiased look at this popular female garment that’s turned so many heads over the years.

The bikini’s not only the official ladies’ attire of our contemporary spring break. Women in garments resembling this modern day swimwear can be seen in ancient artwork from over 1,700 years ago in Villa Romana del Casale. Although similarly to spring break, if you look closely in the background of these images there’s an excellent chance you’ll see gentlemen holding in their stomachs.

The bikini is held is such high esteem, Sports Illustrated publishes an annual “Swimsuit Issue” in celebration of it. You may find the occasional one piece suit in the issue, but many subscribers consider that “excessive packaging.” The issue’s so popular you’d think other magazines might try one. How about a Scientific American “Swimsuit Issue” with bold articles on fabric composition, bar graphs about waistband stress and pie charts reflecting fastener failures? On the other hand, that theme probably wouldn’t be welcomed by the “readers” of Playboy. Frankly it’s remarkable that they’ve tried a Swimsuit calendar.

One of the more extreme versions of this swimwear involves a skimpy lower half called a “thong.” This piece of fabric resembles an ancient sling shot, used by our ancestors to hunt for food. Let’s refer to that as a thong. As a species we’ve developed so much, we now have effectively bypassed the hunting process for food. We now have edible thongs. Wouldn’t you expect vegetarians and animal lovers alike to be excited about this? Is it only the Alpha male big screen TV sports fans that “get it?”

The bottom line, if you’ll excuse the expression, is that the bikini as a garment is truly magical. Aside from its stunning appearance, it has been know to transform itself. Hang around a swimming pool long enough, and eventually you’ll witness a lady who dives in wearing a two-piece and emerges wearing a one-piece. That’s magical. And hopefully the other half won’t clog the pool filter.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

On this day in 1941, Anne Rice was born. She wrote Interview With A VampireWhich isn’t so far-fetched considering Barbara Walters interviewed Michael Jackson.

On this day in 1957, Leave It To Beaver debuted on CBS… Back then, if a Cleaver boy came home with a body piercing, it was from a football cleat.

The Perfect Cubicle

If you work in an office environment, chances are you’ve had your own cubicle at some point. Many of us will spend significant time in one of these partitioned workspaces as we undertake our corporate climb to the corner office.

In every desk at every cubicle, there should be a corporate emergency kit, otherwise know as “chocolate.” In case of emergency, open the chocolate drawer and indulge. If there’s no immediate situation to deal with, then it’s a perfect time for a drill. Have some chocolate anyway.

You’ll need to replenish your supply quite often. The good news is that coworkers will often sell large chocolate bars on behalf of their children. The bad news is that this is not the most cost effective way to stock up. Try buying broken bars from a bulk bin. It feels a little like taking in strays. Have you ever wondered what the shelf life of chocolate was? Basically, it will last as long as the shelf, so you’re only limited by space. You may find a deal at a big box store; some club packs of bars have trailer hitches on the side.

If you have access to sunlight, a live plant makes a nice homey decoration. Some people talk to their plants. If you don’t have sunlight, try getting an artificial plant. And lie to it, because it’s not real anyway.

If you don’t want to be bothered by coworkers, simply put on a pair of headphones and you’re now in “stealth” mode. This will inhibit people from starting conversations with you. If you sense someone approaching and believe they’ll try to talk to you, just close your eyes and start punching the air above your head in time to the music. This “rocking out” will often solve the problem of being bothered by chatty coworkers.

If you have a pet, it’s entirely appropriate to display a framed portrait of the little beast, for those moments when you don’t have time to show off your wallet photos. Also, you’ll need to remind your colleagues of when your pet’s birthday is, to avoid the embarrassment of forgetting to get a gift. Post-it notes work wonders for these little reminders.

And finally, as for other knick-knacks, the workplace is the perfect environment to display the type of crafts made by related children in grade school art classes. It shows that no matter how esthetically unpleasing a piece of art is, you’re happy to lovingly show it off at your place of business… If only to keep it out of the sanctuary of your home!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

On this day in 1906, SOS was established as an international distress signal… This was decades before “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.”

On this day in 1941, Chubby Checker was born… Rumour has it that he developed The Twist while waiting outside a washroom.

Friday, October 2, 2009

On this day in 1951, Sting was born. He’s been an upstanding solo artist for years… In spite of most of his fans associating him with a Police record.

On this day in 1950, the comic strip Peanuts debuted. When Schroeder played piano, Lucy swooned… Making her a groupie over two decades before Woodstock.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

On this day in 1947, the NHL Pension Society was founded... Apparently it was a breeze after the hassle of setting up the NHL dental care program.

On this day in 1971, Disney World opened – A fantasy land, where you’re greeted by a make-believe character with a high squeaky voice… Some say much like Mike Tyson’s place.