Top Ten Signs You Probably Don’t Need To Diet


1 You tried bungee jumping, but the cord didn’t stretch.

2 You carry all your loose change at the mall to make sure you set off automatic doors.

3 You go to the zoo, and animals try to feed you.

4 You’ve burped after licking a stamp.

5 Before you order a full portion at a restaurant, there’s a drumroll.

6 Fast food restaurant employees ask “Would you like fries with that? – I won’t charge you! Come on, what do you say?”

7 The last Halloween you went trick-or-treating, someone insisted on giving you lasagna.

8 When you ask what to bring to a company picnic, you’re told “an appetite.”

9 Employees in bulk food stores encourage you to snack.

10 Clowns are afraid to hand you helium balloons.


Monday, October 12, 2009

On this day in 1492, Columbus landed in America and believed until the day he died that he’d found a western sea route from Europe to Asia… That’s as sad as the ad spokesman who believes his little chlorine puck actually lasts for 2,000 flushes.

On this day in 1950, actress Susan Anton was born… Between her height and shapely figure, they say many actors who worked with her found it difficult to look her in the eye.

Friday, October 9, 2009

On this day in 1973, Elvis divorced Priscilla… The official announcement was “Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the marriage.”

On this day in 1903, 11 inches of rain fell on New York City in 24 hours… Tabloids probably referred to it as The Big Applesauce.

The Rolling Stones And Toronto

On October 24, 1978 Keith Richards entered a Toronto courtroom to face charges for heroin possession, facing a possible seven year prison sentence. The judge presiding over the case recognized that with his rock star income he wasn’t likely to steal to support the habit, and that his attempts to remove himself from the drug culture had made him an example for others.

Richards was then put on probation for a year and ordered to continue psychiatric treatment. As another part of Richard’s sentence, he’d have to give a benefit concert in the Toronto area for young people at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind. Keith was quite happy with this ruling and his fans were ecstatic. He performed two concerts for the CNIB at the Oshawa Civic Auditorium, which is just west of Toronto.

Some would say that the bust was retaliation, considering that in 1977 Prime Minister Trudeau’s wife Margaret attended a Stones concert in Toronto on her sixth anniversary and was seen partying with the band after hours. Reportedly to avoid questions from the press, Maggie flew to New York which only added more speculation as Mick Jagger was also on his way to the Big Apple. Both Jagger and the Trudeaus claimed no wrongdoing.

Since their colourful association with Canada’s First Lady, the Stones have continued to grace Toronto with their presence as they live there during tour rehearsals. Before opening their 2005 tour in Boston’s Fenway Park, Mick and the boys performed an eighty minute set for 1,100 fans at the Phoenix Concert Theatre on Toronto’s Sherbourne Street. In 2002, they sprung a surprise appearance in the city’s Palais Royale, a thirties’ era dancehall overlooking Lake Ontario that once showcased the likes of Duke Ellington and Count Basie.

When the city of Toronto’s economy was threatened in 2003 by the SARS outbreak, tourism and film production suffered greatly as city officials attempted to ease the concerns for public safety. The Rolling Stones suggested an event which would become known as Molson Canadian Rocks for Toronto. The Stones headlined a concert in Downsview Park to an audience reportedly in excess of 450,000, enlisting the talents of AC/DC, The Guess Who and Toronto’s own supergroup Rush. An interesting piece of trivia from the concert is that while Justin Timberlake’s set was not well received by some of the rockers in the crowd, Timberlake had the satisfaction of being Mick’s guest later in the show, joining him for a performance of “Miss You.” Plastic water bottles were thrown at Timberlake, and the commercially released concert DVD clearly shows Keith Richards reprimanding fans who continued to show their displeasure with Timberlake.

Rock’n’roll fans in Toronto may still get their Stones fix when the band is not in town. There’s a Rolling Stones theme bar on the city’s trendy Queen Street West called Stones Place. Jerry Stone has honoured the band by decorating his establishment with guitars, gold records and posters from every era of the band’s existence. Prior to opening Stones Place, Jerry represented Ronnie Wood, promoting his paintings and drawings.

The world’s greatest rock’n’roll band has made Toronto their second home, and the citizens of “Toronto the Good” will continue to look forward to their future visits.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

On this day in 1964, Beatles drummer Ringo Starr passed his driving test… It would have been bigger news had Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards passed a drug test.

On this day in 1871, the great fire of Chicago started, supposedly when Mrs. O’Leary’s cow upset a lantern… Locals rushed to the scene with water buckets… And just in case, steak sauce.

Dates: The Final Frontier…

As humans, we are the only species to subject ourselves to the phenomenon of “dating.” The closest animal behaviour to this is probably when lemmings plunge themselves over a cliff.

Let’s consider that a man asks a lady out.

Many dates involve restaurants, and the owners of fine dining establishments are quite happy to play along. That’s why the lady’s menu doesn’t show prices. It can be awkward ordering a pricey entrĂ©e when the gentleman’s assumed to be paying. The man’s menu does show the prices so if the lady orders surf’n’turf, he’s aware of his financial investment in the evening. By the way it’s tacky to watch the lady order catch of the day at market price, then hand the menu to the waiter saying “In that case I’ll have the $12.95 spaghetti.”

On the other hand, some women don’t eat in front of dates the way they do at home. The same lady who can wolf down a can of ravioli in three spoonfuls standing over her kitchen sink may daintily cut walnut halves into quarters while eating a Waldorf salad in front of her suitor. With some food there’s also the possibility of providing an unflattering visual. If a gal’s not coordinated, she probably won’t treat her gentleman to the vision of her twirling spaghetti onto a fork only to have it unravel at her lips and be forced to suck it into her mouth like a scene from Lady And The Tramp. She could break down and cut the pasta with her knife; that way only the wait staff would think she was a loser.

Ladies typically have no trouble knowing which cutlery to use. The most important tip is to use the shiniest knife to check teeth for reflection of food particles; the truly savvy ladies will wait till their date has left the table before doing this.

Selecting wine is a chance for the gentleman to appear worldly. The waiter will present the cork for inspection and decant a small amount for him to sample. It’s best to swirl the wine briefly, sip and then look thoughtfully at the ceiling before accepting it. All most men really need to know about wine on a date is that in small amounts it can be an aphrodisiac and in large amounts it’s birth control from passing out.

The last course is often a “special coffee” prepared at the couple’s table. It’s usually a contradiction of alcohol and caffeine with sugar thrown in for added energy. A goblet is dipped in lemon juice, then sugar and turned over open flame, causing the sugar to caramelize. It’s very sensual if you’re not distracted by the realization that hairspray is extremely flammable. Liquor is added, lit and swirled to heat the glass. Fresh coffee is then added, leaving room for a generous portion of whipped cream and powdered chocolate. This is a very appetizing process as the couple ponders further encounters, possibly that very evening after they leave the restaurant. Theoretically the liquor loosens inhibitions and the coffee maintains awareness and resists the booze. Basically the beverage makes the next step of the evening even more difficult.

If the date was a disaster, the correct way to cut losses is to declare sleepiness immediately after leaving the restaurant and during the ride home if it was a carpooling date. When thanking the other person for a lovely time, remember nobody’s under oath. After parting for the evening, chock it up to experience - And start choosing a distant city to refer to when you send your date the “change of address” notice in the morning.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

On this day in 1989, Bette Davis passed away. Singer Kim Carnes had a smash hit with Bette Davis Eyes… So far there are no plans for a song about Dolly Parton.

On this day in 1889, Thomas Edison showed his 1st motion picture… The great thing was there was no chance of someone behind you giving away the ending.